The Lexicographer's Rules

"Nice people swollen up with legitimately good intentions but hopelessly ineffectual; praise from the man occupying the highest office in the true north strong and free, and a convivial atmosphere in which, despite abundant clues that this might not be quite what it appeared, no one would call the spade a spade even as it was smacking everyone square in the face: Dear Jesus, is there a more Canadian recipe than that?"

—National Post. Prime Minister of Canada Jean ChrŽtien bungles a grip-and-grin photo opportunity with what are supposed to be Toronto-area rescue workers in New York City, but weren't. "Among them a disc jockey, a hospital registration clerk, a guy from shipping and receiving, a cleaner and an auto parts driverÑwho had not come within a country mile of danger, let alone the infamous ground zero site."'

"Before he read the allegations I asked him, 'Do you think this thing will be done before the board exams or after the board exams?' He said, 'You have no idea of the seriousness of your situation. Let's get real here. Don't worry about your board exams. We are worried about your life.'"

—San Antonio Express-News. Dr. Al Badr M. H. Al-Hazmi was held by the Federal Bureau of Investigation as a possible suspect in the terrorist attacks, but was released 12 days later after he convinced them of his innocence. "My advice to anybody, who is approached by the FBI, American or non-American, is: Don't talk to [the FBI], just wait for a lawyer. It is better that you wait for two weeks or three weeks than to talk to them because they can be tricky."'

"I was standing on the corner of Broadway and Pike Street, waiting for the light to change so I could cross, when a young man shoved me in front of a moving vehicle. Fortunately, the driver stopped in time. I faced the guy who pushed me, but all he said was "I guess I tripped and just didn't see you. Sorry.' He looked over my shoulder while talking to me. He almost sounded bored."

—Seattle Post-Intelligencer. D. Parvaz dons her hijaabÑa full-body outer cloak or, in its modified form, a scarf tied around the headÑto find out how she'll be treated on the streets of Seattle and Vancouver, British Columbia. "I was ultimately reassured by the good in people. There were cute momentsÑlike when a boy wearing a 'Wassup!' T-shirt on a bus leaned over and asked 'Who is this Allah guy anyway?' or when the girl behind a coffee counter leaned in to hear me, as if expecting me to speak with a soft voice and a foreign accent."'

"K-mart knows every product purchased every day by the minute and that's billions of products, but we can't track millions of people who come into this country. If you could just have caught a few of them at the border or with better tracking, then the entire conspiracy may have begun to unravel."

—New Jersey Star-Ledger. "Visitors arriving and departing the country through Mexico or Canada are not recorded. Those entering through U.S. airports must fill out a form, known as an I-94, which is then stapled into their passport. When they leave, the forms are collected by airline workers, who then forward them to the INS. A 1995 report by the U.S. General Accounting Office found that in many cases, the airlines fail to collect the forms, the forms are lost or the handwriting on them is illegible."'