The Lexicographer's Rules

"Canadians spend a huge portion of their social life trying to define what it means to be Canadian. Americans never spend any time trying to define what it means to be American. Canadians have an identity crisis. We look like Americans. We sound like Americans. We know everything about Americans. They know nothing about us. We find that funny."

—International Herald Tribune. Rick Mercer hosts the satirical television segment "Talking to Americans," part of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's show "This Hour Has 22 Minutes."'

"Recent Forum writers have criticized The Observer for publishing less-than-flattering photos of George W. Bush. Now comes 'Picture didn't show Cheney at his best.' Clearly, this is a 'Republican thing.' May I suggest a solution? In future articles about Mr. Bush, substitute a photograph of a good-looking guy such as Mel Gibson or George Clooney. For Mr. Cheney you could use someone older, maybe Tom Selleck or Paul Newman. Or even Charlton Heston. This should please both those who don't want to see unflattering poses of Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney and those who would rather not see them at all."

—Charlotte Observer. Besides discussing unflattering pictures of the President and Vice President, there are also letters about real estate transfer taxes, sales taxes, older musicians and a barbed wire fence.'

"I don't want to open my month anymore. Every time I do, all that's printed is lies. I'm scared. I'll never talk again. It's all lies. I don't speak English anymore."

—BBC. Richard Williams, father of tennis players Serena and Venus, refused to comment on the dismissal of charges that he and his daughters were rigging matches in which the two played against each other.'

"Unless you curse, eat meat with your bare hands, spit on the ground and scratch your crotch, you are considered something less than a man there. My own brothers are like that."

—International Herald Tribune. For more than a century, Brazilians of every class in every part of the country have believed that all the men in the town of Pelotas are homosexuals.'

"Thanks to the success of Starbucks it is now possible to have a reasonably good cup of coffee almost anywhere in the States. On Day One, I popped into my nearest for my morning Latte. 'Small, large, regular, Go or Stay,' the young Hispanic assistant barked in one breath. 'I beg your pardon,' I replied. A little exasperated, he repeated the mouthful at twice the speed. Completely confused and slightly embarrassed, I quickly opted for 'regular'."

—The Spectator. Jonathon Clayton prattles on about the consequences of not doing his homework about New York City culture before arriving here. "A country that effortlessly shrugs off state murder sees smoking as an affront to civilization." No, see, it's the number of people affected, not the gravity of the offense. Democracy is about numbers, after all.'